


Ever Onwards

by orphan_account



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Band, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Graphic Description of Corpses, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Religious Conflict, Religious Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-06 21:17:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15894306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “1985,” Tyler whispers, balling his fists in the hem of his t-shirt. “Is that-- is that what year it is?”





	Ever Onwards

**Author's Note:**

  * For [edy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/edy/gifts).



> Almost two years ago, I was hospitalized for attempted suicide and underwent three months of extensive group and individual therapy. When I realized I was getting a second chance at life, I put my trust in the universe and worked hard to appreciate what I was given. Sure, I still have bad days, I still make mistakes-- but I get back on my feet and try again. That's all we can do.
> 
> Edy-- when I met you, something changed inside of me. You've helped me come to terms with who I am, what my sexuality is, what I identify, how to live life without caring about opinions of others. Talking to you makes my heart leap, makes my stomach swell with butterflies, makes me giggle into my palms. I'm so lucky to have you in my life and I love you with every fiber of my being. <3
> 
> This particular work is not only Tyler's redemption story, but my own. We only have one life to live. It's time to make the best of it.

“You’ve got to help me.”

Josh blinks. On his porch stands a naked man completely covered head to toe in mud.  Josh blinks again. This is new.

“I d-don’t know where I am, I’m lost, and I’m so cold--”

“Okay, okay, let’s just--” he pulls the door wider and gestures for the man to come in. The man gives him an apprehensive look. “Let’s get you a shower and then I can call the police, how does that sound?”

“Don’t call the cops,” blurts out the man. His eyes widen in fear and his teeth curl over his bottom lip. “I didn’t do anything wrong, I swear.”

Josh holds his hands up in defense. “Okay, no cops.”

A pause. The man looks at him and tilts his head. “Promise?”

“Promise.” Finally, the man takes a step over the threshold. His muddy feet leave footprints on the wood floor as Josh leads him to the bathroom and starts a shower for him. Over the roar of the water, Josh pulls the shower curtain back and says, “There. All ready. I’ll put out some towels.”

“Thank you,” he whispers. Josh nods his head and leaves the bathroom.

-

Josh knows he should be freaking out. Everything about this situation should be freaking him out, right?

But he’s not freaked out. The man doesn’t seem threatening. He’s tall, lanky, small, and doesn’t look like he weighs more than a hundred and fifteen pounds. Then again, he did show up outside Josh’s door covered in mud looking like he just crawled out of a grave.

He sighs. What is he supposed to do? He has to call the police.

Ten minutes later, the man comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. His hair sticks up in a hundred directions, He’s actually kind of cute, Josh decides. There’s an innocence to him, and some baby fat still clings to his cheeks.

“You can borrow some of my clothes,” Josh offers, leading the man down to his bedroom. He digs for a plain t-shirt, some sweatpants the man can cinch at the midsection, and a pair of boxers. Josh knows they’ll be a bit loose on him, but it’s the best he can do.

“Thank you,” he whispers. Josh nods.

“Dress, and then we can talk.”

“Okay.” The door shuts. Josh waits patiently in the hallway while the man changes. Suddenly, he feels extremely anxious.

_ Everything’s fine, _ he tells himself. Besides, he won’t have to deal with this for long. The police will deal with everything once he calls them and the man gives him some basic information.

“I’m done,” calls a meek voice from the other side of the doorway. It creaks as the stranger pulls it open and peeks his head out from around it.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Josh says softly. “I promise.”

The boy nods, and pulls the door open wider. Josh pushes past him and makes his way to his bed. “Okay, what’s your name?”

“I don’t remember,” he whispers. Josh blinks. Oh boy.

“Where are you from?”

“I don’t remember that either. I don’t actually even know where I am, I just woke up covered in mud, feeling so cold...” he trails off. Josh’s brow furrows.

“Okay, well, would you maybe want to show me where you woke up? That could supply us with some clues. We can make it a game, like, uh, Clue.” Josh groans internally at his lack of creativity and the boy nods.

And so, twenty minutes later, Josh finds himself in a graveyard staring at the disturbed grave of Tyler Joseph.

_ Loved by many. Gone too soon. 1966-1985. _

Josh’s eyes widen. What? This can’t be. The idea that this kid actually  _ climbed out of a grave  _ is ludicrous, right?

Right?

“Tyler Joseph,” he mumbles under his breath, pushing wet hair off his forehead with a shaky hand. “Yeah, that sounds right. I’m from Columbus.”

“This is Columbus,” Josh replies. He’s finally starting to freak out now. Is Tyler a ghost? A zombie? Is Josh going crazy?

“Is this, is this my grave?” 

“I mean, it does sorta look like you climbed out.” Josh thinks about how an hour ago this man showed up outside his doorstep covered in mud. If he hadn’t climbed out of a grave, than this was all one hell of a coincidence.

“1985,” Tyler whispers, balling his fists in the hem of his t-shirt. “Is that-- is that what year it is?”

“It’s 2018,” Josh looks at the ground. Holy shit, this can’t be real.

“What?” Tyler’s eyes widen. “No, that can’t--” he doesn’t finish his sentence. Instead, he drops to his knees and begins clawing through already disturbed dirt. “This isn’t me, this  _ can’t _ be me!”

He starts to become hysterical, and quickly launches into sobs as his digging becomes more frantic. Josh wraps arms around him and forces him to stop.

“Come on, it’s okay--”

“It’s not fucking okay!” Tyler shoves him off. “I’m fucking, I’m dead? How the fuck can I be dead?”

“We’ll figure this out, let’s just go back to my house, okay? I have a friend that can help us. He’s a nurse, he can check your vitals, make sure you’re okay and everything.”

Tyler continues to cry silently. Josh gently lays a hand on his shoulder. “We can figure this out together, okay?”

“Okay.”

-

“Everything seems fine. He’s perfectly healthy.” Mark sighs as he lets his stethoscope hang around his neck. “Why am I doing this again?”

“Just trying to confirm some things,” Josh repeats. He shoots Tyler a glance, who looks at him with worry strewn across his features. 

Josh had known Mark for many years. The two were incredibly close, and if there was anything Josh had to keep secret, he knew he could trust Mark.

“Do you know anything about a guy named Tyler Joseph?”

“Sounds familiar. He died a couple years before I was born. I think it was a suicide. It was all over the news and stuff, I remember my parents saying something about the ten year anniversary when I was in middle school. Why?”

Josh and Tyler share another look before Josh lets out a sigh of his own. “Mark, we’re going on a field trip.”

Tyler leads the way down the street. Josh knows the reason he got such a good price on his house was because there was a graveyard down the street, but it had never bothered him. He wasn’t one to believe in the supernatural and it was quite peaceful during the evenings. To him, it was history, meant to be undisturbed.

Except that didn’t happen, because there was a seemingly undead man in his household.

Mark squats down and squints to read Tyler’s headstone. He looks at the loose dirt and the giant gaping hole; two seconds later he gasps loudly.

“Holy fucking shit. Josh, are you fucking--” He doesn’t finish his sentence, and instead resorts to hyperventilating. Josh grabs his friend by the shoulders and shakes him gently.

“Mark, get ahold of yourself.”

“That’s Tyler Joseph, dude, he’s right there, in the flesh, and he, he’s completely fine!”

“Exactly,” Tyler calls out from where he’s resting on a different headstone. He stands up slowly and shuffles over to his grave. “I think we should call the police and tell them about my grave.”

“Tell them you somehow came back from the dead?” exclaims Mark.

“No. Just about the grave. Maybe some outside help could tell us more about who I am and... how I’m here.” Tyler clears his throat.

“Right,” Mark nods. “I’ll do that. You take him back to your place, okay?”

“Sure,” Josh agrees, pulling gently on Tyler’s wrist to lead him back towards his house. Tyler is quiet all the way there, up until the climb up the front porch steps.

“Do you think my parents are still alive?” His voice shakes, like he doesn’t want to know the answer.

“We could check,” Josh replies. “As for tonight, it’s late, and I think you should get some rest. You did uh, climb out of a grave today.”

“I’m terrified,” Tyler blurts out. “If Mark’s right, if I did kill myself, why am I back here?”

“Maybe someone decided you deserved a second chance.” Josh shrugs. “Anyways, you can sleep in my guest bedroom. Everything’s clean, I just did the laundry.”

“That would be nice. Thank you.”

“It’s my pleasure.” Josh smiles. “I promise we’ll help you figure things out.”

“I believe you,” Tyler says firmly.

And just like that, Josh isn’t freaking out anymore.

-

Tyler falls asleep quickly and with ease. Josh doesn’t blame him. He’s more than sure the events of today tired the kid out.

He meets Mark down at the graveyard with the few officers who arrived at the scene. They ask him a couple of questions.  _ Did you see any suspicious activity? Did you hear anything? Did you  _ see _ anyone? _

No, no, and no, Josh lies. He’s pretty sure the near definition of “suspicious activity” would be a dead man crawling out of a grave, but that’s pretty unbelievable, and he told Tyler he wouldn’t say a word.

“I remember this kid,” one officer huffs as he stares sadly at Tyler’s headstone. “He slit his wrists, parents found him in the bathtub. It was some pretty nasty stuff. All over the news and stuff. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t older than nineteen.”

That was true. Josh had done the math. Which meant that Tyler, a nineteen year old who had been dead for more than thirty years, had somehow crawled out of grave looking healthier than he ever had. Josh shakes his head.

“Are his parents still alive?” Mark asks.

“I’m pretty sure they are. Think they still live here in town. Poor folks. I don’t know why anyone would mess with the grave of a kid.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty fucked up,” Josh mumbles under his breath. He offers the officer his hand. “Thank you for coming out at this hour.”

“It’s no problem at all, thank you for alerting us. We’ll inform the Josephs, they might want to press charges or something. Anyway boys, have a good night.”

“You too sir,” Mark chimes in, and together they watch as the officers each climb into their cars and drive away. Josh sighs.

“What the hell are we going to do, Mark?”

“That’s a really great question, Joshua.” Mark shakes his head. “I guess for now, just keep him safe at your place. It’s not like you have many girls coming over, right?”

“Hardy har har.” Josh rolls his eyes. “At least he’s healthy. I don’t know what I’ll do on Monday though, you know, when I have to go back to work.”

“Technically he’s like, a fifty year old man. I’m sure he’ll be able to take care of himself. We can get information for him, let him know about his life. I’m sure there’s still a bunch of news articles that were archived online. And if his parents or him were ever registered with a doctor or at the hospital, I can find them.” Mark rests his hand on Josh’s shoulder and squeezes gently. “We’ll get him the help he needs, I promise.”

“I don’t know why I feel like I have to solve this problem.”

“He’s pretty close to your age, man. Maybe this is some way for you to feel better about your own problems.” Mark sighs and checks his watch. “It’s pretty late though, so I’m gonna head home. Be safe, okay? And take care of the kid. We’ll figure things out, I promise.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you dude,” Josh forces a smile and pulls his friend into a hug. Mark squeezes back.

“I’ll swing by tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow,” Josh nods, as he begins walking up the street back to his house. He pauses, watches Mark climb into his car and drive away, before continuing his short journey. For a few seconds, Josh rests his head against the doorframe and curses under his breath. He should tell the police he found a kid and let them deal with the realization Tyler was alive after being dead for thirty years. He should go back to his boring life with his tedious director job and continue taking his anxiety medication and dealing with the world circling around him. He should definitely not be spontaneous because that was the last thing Josh needed in his life.

But he can’t do that. He can’t abandon this scared kid, teen, young adult, to go off and deal with things on his own. Because the truth is, Tyler Joseph died. He killed himself. And now he’s back for some reason, and Josh is the person to help him figure that out. 

To help him start over.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” he whispers, reaching out to turn the doorknob and go inside his house. Josh runs a hand through his hair and pads down the hallway to the guest bedroom. He cracks the door, just to make sure Tyler is safe.

Sure enough, there he is, his arm tucked under his head, his lips parted slightly. He looks exhausted.

“I’m going to help you,” Josh tells him, even though he knows Tyler can’t hear him. And with that, Josh closes the door, and makes his way to his own bedroom.

-

He doesn’t sleep well that night. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that there’s a dead man sleeping in the room next to him, or something like that.

Josh is up before seven and finds himself hunched over his stovetop making scrambled eggs. He wasn’t much of a cook, but seemed to always turn towards it in times of stress. He had already finished baking a package of bacon and made some toast. They sit in the warmer.

Tyler shuffles into the kitchen a few minutes later looking like a lost puppy. His hair is mussed and messy from sleeping, and Josh’s clothes cling to his skinny frame. Josh glances up at him briefly before returning his gaze to his pan of eggs. For some reason, seeing Tyler in his clothes, makes his chest clench.

“Hey. Good morning. I made breakfast, are you hungry?”

“Yeah, actually. I’m starving. Feel like I haven’t eaten in years.”

Josh resists his urge to snort about the irony of that statement. “I made scrambled eggs. There’s also bacon and toast warming in the oven.” He gestures below him and continues scraping at eggs with his spatula. Tyler clears his throat.

“All of it sounds good.”

“Sure.” Josh makes him a plate, watching Tyler the whole time. He sits down at Josh’s small kitchen table and looks around the room, that same innocence still across his face. A few seconds later, Josh sets his food down in front of him and smiles. “If you’re still hungry, I can make you more.”

“I think this will be okay. Are you going to eat?” Tyler gestures to where Josh was planning to sit down across from him with no food within view.

“Yeah, I was just going to make sure you were fine first. I was actually going to get some coffee brewing, would you like some?”

“To be honest, I don’t remember if I even liked coffee.” he chuckles a little, his cheeks turning red as he pushes eggs around with his fork. “I was just thinking about it. I was born in 1966, so if I... you know, hadn’t died, I’d be fifty-two years old. I’m like, old enough to be your parent.”

Josh nods. “I guess that’s technically true. But you died when you were nineteen and it looks like that’s the way you came back.”

A shrug. “Guess that’s better for my body. I don’t have as many wrinkles as I’m supposed to.”

“Yeah, you look good for fifty-two.” They both launch into a round of soft laughter, both refusing to look at one another until it dies out. With a blush burning his cheeks, Josh stands up and shuffles back over to the stove where he makes himself a plate, giving himself plenty of extra bacon, and turns his Keurig on. “Would you like to try some coffee? See if you like it? I can fix you up a mug. I’ve got plenty of cream and sugar. I don’t use them.”

“Yeah, why not?”

Josh pulls down two mugs-- one that looks like a stormtrooper’s head and one with MTV’s retro looking logo on it. He figures it’d be nice for Tyler to have some familiarity. 

And sure enough, Tyler grins ear to ear. “No way, you know what  _ Star Wars _ is?”

“Dude, I’m positive every single person on the planet knows what  _ Star Wars _ is. Even decades later, it’s still a cultural phenomenon.”

“That’s so cool. I was ten when the first one came out. The good ones, not the crap prequels.”

“Glad we agree on that.” Josh laughs again as he presses some buttons and lets his Keurig do the work.

“And MTV! Do they still play music videos? I’m telling you, that channel was the best. My parents weren’t too tight about it though, said it was crude and too loud.” Tyler rolls his eyes.

“Unfortunately MTV is just a bunch of crap reality TV shows nowadays.” He sets the stormtrooper mug down in front of Tyler and puts his own food and mug across from him before retrieving half ‘n’ half from the fridge and sugar from his counter. Finally, Josh joins Tyler back at the table and slides him over everything he needs.

Tyler blinks. “Do I drink it straight?”

“If you like it black. Most people don’t. I guess I’m crazy or something.”

Tyler smiles a little bit and wraps both of his hands around the mug. He glances one more time at Josh before raising the mug to his lips.

It takes all of three seconds for his face to scrunch up in disgust and for him to pull it away from his mouth. “Bleh! That’s disgusting!”

“Like I said, it’s not for anyone.” Josh laughs as he nudges the cream closer to him. “There you go, put that sugary goodness into it. You’ll like it better.”

Sure enough, after Tyler’s coffee becomes one-half cream and has enough sugar dumped into it, he’s able to tolerate it going down. They eat quietly for a little while, shoveling down bacon and eggs, the occasional slurp of coffee rattling throughout the quaint kitchen.

Tyler breaks the silence. “Why did you move into a neighborhood with a graveyard half a mile away from it?”

Josh wipes his mouth with a napkin. “It was cheap, and graveyards never bothered me in ways they bothered other people. I didn’t mind.”

“Have you ever been down there?”

“Not before yesterday.” They share a solemn look. Tyler sighs.

“You can ask. I know you’re dying to know.”

“Know what?”

“Oh come on. Everyone wants to know. Not even my own parents knew. I never left a note.”

Josh’s chest clenches. “Oh. That.”

“Yeah, that.” Tyler tilts his head, his gaze never leaving Josh. “I don’t even know what they ended up ruling it as. Probably an accident, because you know, the eighties were a very conservative time.” He rolls his eyes. “The word suicide was never to be mentioned.”

Josh opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. He doesn’t know what to say.

Tyler continues on, his gaze falling back to his plate. “I had nothing going on for me. I was nineteen years old. A year had passed since I graduated high school. I dropped out of college after first semester. My parents were always fighting, my siblings ignored me. I didn’t have a job. I realized I had no reason to stay alive. The fight inside of me wasn’t there. I didn’t care about my future. That’s why I did it. And for some reason, now I’m alive again, thirty-two years later. I don’t know why.”

“You didn’t miss much. The nineties sucked.”

Tyler snorts and rubs his neck gingerly. “That’s when you were born?”

“That has nothing to do with that, but yeah. ‘96.”

A nod. His eyes roll up to the ceiling. “So you’re twenty-two.”

“Yeah, I’m an old man.”

“You look good for your age.” They both break out into another round of soft laughter until it fades into silence with scraping forks and coffee slurping, up until Josh decides to share something he hadn’t talked about in years.

“You know, I get it. The whole, ‘not feeling like you belong’ kind of thing.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Josh takes a deep breath. “When I was eighteen, I overdosed with some old sleeping pills. My mom found me, rushed me to the hospital, and then I spent two weeks in an institution. I had to spend time with psychiatrists and therapists and other patients. I got some medicine, had to go through an extensive outpatient program. And you know, they’d ask me, ‘why’d you do it?’ And I had no clue what to say. I wasn’t finished with my senior year, but I didn’t feel like I had a future. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t care if I died today, tomorrow, the next day. I didn’t care about anything.” He shrugs. “But now, I have a house. Granted, I rent it, but still. And I have a job. I’m in the music business. Things are better now than I ever thought they’d be.” Josh pushes out of his chair, gathers his finished plate and half full coffee mug, and ventures to the sink. Water from the facet fills the silence as he cleans his dishes.

“Maybe that’s why I’m here.”

The facet shuts off. Josh swivels around. “What?”

“Maybe that’s why I’m back here. You know, why I’m suddenly alive and healthier than I’ve ever been before, thirty-two years later. I didn’t search for help. I didn’t have people around me to help me. This time around, maybe I do.” He looks up and meets Josh’s eyes. A hard look crosses his face.

“You trust me,” Josh says. His Adam’s Apple bobs in his throat.

“I showed up on your doorstep, covered in mud, clueless and hysterical, and you were willing to help me. I know I don’t know you, but you’re kind, and you’re willing to do all you can to help me. Even though I’m a stranger.”

“You climbed out of a grave. That’s a bit suspicious, you know. I just want things to be normal for you.”

“Exactly what I’m talking about. You could have handed this over to the police and let them deal with it, but you didn’t. You respected what I had to say.”

“Of course. I’m involved in this now. I want to help you and I’ll do anything you need to feel comfortable.”

Tyler smiles. “Thanks, Josh. That really means a lot.”

“Of course. Hey, maybe we could go back to my parents house and pick up some of my old clothes from when I was a teenager, that way you can wear stuff that will actually fit you.” Tyler chuckles. “And Mark is coming over later, he was supposed to get some information from the hospital, so.”

“Yeah, that sounds great, actually.”

“We just need a cover story, uh, for my parents.”

Tyler sits up. “Oh, right. Uhm, I’m an old friend from college.”

“I didn’t actually go to college. I just took a few online courses.”

“Well, that won’t work then. I’m from, uhm, Europe.”

“You sound American.”

“I could do an accent. Or you know, maybe I was staying abroad. Or you could say my parents raised me in Europe, or something.”

“We’ll figure it out when we get there.”

“We’re going now?” Tyler’s eyes widen.

“Mark will be stopping by later, so yeah, we might as well. Are you okay with that?”

“Uhm, yeah.”

Josh leans against the counter. “You could stay in the car, if that’d make you feel more comfortable.”

He sighs with relief. “Yeah, definitely. Thanks.”

“Sorry. I uhm, keep forgetting this isn’t any average situation. You sure you’re okay?”

“I’ll be okay. Better I think, after Mark comes with some information.”

“Yeah.” Josh clears his throat. “I’ll uh, take your dishes.”

“Oh, thanks.” Tyler hands him his unfinished plate and shoves his hands into the pockets of his oversized sweats.

-

“Is this the house you grew up in?” Tyler presses his nose against the passenger side window at the two story house they just pulled into the driveway of. Josh nods.

“Yeah. Just stay in here, okay? I’ll be quick. My younger siblings still live here, so stay low. I don’t want them to ask questions and you to feel uncomfortable.”

“I’ll lay low,” he promises, slinking downwards into his seat. Josh smiles.

“Okay. Ten minutes tops.”

“Sure,” Tyler nods, watching as Josh climbs out of the car and speedwalks to the front door. He knocks three times before walking inside.

“Mom? Dad? You guys home?”

“They’re out running errands,” Josh’s younger sister, Abbie, says as she hops off the couch and turns off the television. “Ashley’s out with her boyfriend. Jordan’s home though. He’s probably downstairs in the basement playing video games.”

“Right,” Josh replies, running a hand through his hair. “Do you know where Mom stashed my old clothes?”

“The ones you didn’t take with you when you moved? I dunno. They might still be up in your room.”

Josh scoffs. “You mean Jordan’s room?”

Abbie smiles. “Oh yeah. I forgot it was his room now. He’s probably wearing them too.”

“He’s fifteen! Why the hell--”

“Mom? Is that you?” Jordan’s head pops out from around the corner. “Oh, hey, Josh. What are you doing here?”

“He’s looking for the old clothes you took from him.” Jordan frowns, and in response Abbie sticks her tongue out at him.

“They’re mine now. Mom said I could have them.”

“Well here’s the thing, one of my friends, his parents house just burned down, and his brother needs clothes. Besides, you realize those clothes are for like, an eighteen year old?”

“I have a wider frame that you,” Jordan raises an eyebrow, “Besides, I don’t look my age. Mom tells me that all the time.”

Josh pushes fingers into his eyes. “Guys, I don’t have a lot of time, can you just direct me to where Mom put them?”

“Yeah, I’ll show you. I’m keeping some of them though. You can have the ones I don’t like.”

“Bro, that’s a dick move. This dude’s house burned down.” It was a lie, but Josh was having fun trying to guilt trip him.

Jordan sighs loudly. “Fiiiiiine. I’ll give  _ most _ of them to you.”

“Thank you little brother, it is much appreciated.”

“I’m so glad you don’t live here anymore.”

Josh punches his brother in the shoulder. “Shut up.”

Jordan laughs.

-

“So you actually took eleven minutes,” says Tyler the minute Josh shuts the car door. He raises an eyebrow as he turns the ignition.

“Were you actually counting?”

“Not much else for me to do, is there?” he smiles. “So you got clothes?”

“I did, they’re in the trunk. All that’s left is for you to change into them. Oh, and Mark texted me, said he’ll be over in about an hour.”

“Cool,” Tyler says.

-

The doorbell rings. Tyler sits on Josh’s living room floor, sorting through clothes, and looks up as Josh moves to answer it. In comes Mark, still in his scrubs with a bag thrown over his shoulder.

“So good news,” he sits down on the couch, “I found a ton of stuff about you and your family.”

“Really?” Tyler looks up from the box and scoots closer towards Mark. Josh leans up against the wall. 

“Yeah.” Mark pulls a clipboard out of his bag and flips through some pages.

“Are my parents still alive?” he asks.

“Yes,” Mark nods, “both of them are in a home. Your mother has dementia and your father refused to live without her, so he’s there too.”

“Oh.” Tyler falls silent.

“Would she still remember Tyler?” Josh questions, crossing his arms across his chest.

“There’s a good chance she remembers him. Dementia and Alzheimer's patients have an easier time remembering long term memories.”

“What about my siblings?”

“Only one of them still lives here in town. Your brother Zack lives with his wife and kids over in Los Angeles. Maddy and her husband live in Lansing, and Jay and his wife still live here.”

Tyler scoffs. “I was the oldest, and now all of them are old enough to be my parents.”

“Unfortunately that’s the case,” Mark replies sadly. He shakes his head. “Oh, I forgot to mention that Maddy and Jay have kids too.”

“I’m an uncle,” Tyler says in disbelief. “I never got to meet any of them.”

“And you probably won’t,” Josh steps forward. “I know how much you want to see them again, but it’s going to be a bit hard to explain why you are suddenly alive and kicking thirty-somewhat years later.”

“Plus, you’re the same age you were when you died,” Mark adds. Him and Josh share a look.

“I can’t even visit my parents?”

Mark sighs. “It’s not the best idea, but it’s something we might be able to do. Your mother probably forgot you passed away. As for your father...”

“We could probably pass it off as seeing things,” Josh offers. “Or maybe he’ll think you’re a ghost. Either way, no one is going to believe he saw his dead son.”

Tyler begins to pick at the carpet. His hands shake. “I can’t believe I killed myself.”

“I’m sorry,” Mark whispers.

“It seemed like my only option at the time, but now, seeing that all my siblings have families, and my parents are in a fucking  _ senior living home, _ I feel like shit. I should have been there for them. My death probably destroyed their lives. What do you think my brothers or my sister say when people say they’re sorry for their loss? Do you think they tell people their brother committed suicide?” Tyler lets out a bitter laugh and wipes at the tears brimming over his eyelids. “Why am I here? Why am I alive, after so many years of being in a fucking coffin? Who the fuck got to decide these things?”

“I don’t know,” Josh says calmly. “And it sucks. It fuckin’ sucks. I wish there was more we could do for you than give you information. I wish I could turn back time so you could go back to 1985 and not make that decision. But the thing is, you  _ did. _ There’s nothing we can do about that. But there is something you can do, and for some reason, you were given a second chance. So take it.”

“I know people who could get you all those important documents. You know, a birth certificate, a social security number, that kind of stuff.”

“You are more than welcome to stay with me as long as you want to. I could probably get you a job too.”

Tyler looks up at the both of them. “You guys are willing to help me out?”

“Of course we are,” Mark replies. “Not many people get a second chance at life, that’s for sure.”

He sniffs and wipes more tears out of his eyes. “Thank you. That means a lot.”

“I can take you to visit your parents tomorrow if you’d like,” Josh offers. “I’m sure Mark could find the phone numbers of your siblings too, if you’d want to talk to them.”

Mark nods his head. “Yeah, I could do that.”

“I’d like that a lot.”

“Tomorrow’s a new day. The sun rises, and we try again.” Josh crouches down next to Tyler and pats him gently on the shoulder. “Hey, why don’t you try on some of these clothes? We can figure out what else you might need and write down a list. Then we could watch a movie or something. Did you ever get to see  _ Back to the Future?” _

“Or  _ Ferris Bueller’s Day Off?” _

_ “The Breakfast Club?” _

_ “Ghostbusters?” _

“I saw  _ Ghostbusters,” _ Tyler mumbles, still looking at the carpet. He continues to push his fingers into it. “I don’t think I got around to seeing any of the others.”

“Then we’re for sure having a movie marathon. I’ll make popcorn and hot chocolate.”

“I’ll put the movies on,” Mark says, pushing off of the sofa to head to the shelf that held Josh’s extensive movie collection. “What are we starting with?”

“We can watch the  _ Back to the Future _ trilogy, although the third one isn’t that great.”

Mark gasps mockingly. “How could you say that?”

“Because it’s true. There’s nothing cool about the wild wild west.”

“Hey, spoilers!” Tyler manages a weak grin, but it’s enough to know that Josh is succeeding in cheering him up.

“Whoops, sorry.” Josh grins back. “I have some chocolate to put in our popcorn, you cool with that?”

“Never tried it before,” Tyler admits as he moves to the couch. Josh disappears into the kitchen.

“It’s good,” he yells over his shoulder.

Josh knew Tyler was upset and confused with the world around him. Josh  _ understood _ because he had been in the same place. If this is Tyler’s second chance, then maybe it’s his too.

And the minute he sits down with two big bowls of popcorn and three mugs of hot chocolate, his thigh pressed up against Tyler’s, he knows he’s going to make the best of this situation.

-

The next morning, Josh wakes up with a crick in his neck. Tyler’s head is slumped onto his shoulder, his arm draped across Josh’s lap, and it takes Josh everything he has not to stand up and fling the kid off of him. He’s not sure what it is about Tyler, but something is forming in Josh’s chest that makes it a bit difficult for him to focus. So instead, as a distraction, he looks around the room, yawns, and looks some more.

Mark was gone. Josh wondered how early he had fallen asleep. The TV shut off on its own, and popcorn kernels cover the carpet. Sigh. He’ll clean that up later.

Tyler stirs on top of him. His arm moves, and suddenly he’s got Josh pulled into the world’s most awkward side hug. Josh’s face is bright red. Oh God, why does he always have to be put in these situations?

Josh gives in and pokes Tyler’s nose. Tyler groans.

“Hey, sleepyhead. Wake up.”

“No,” he whines, snuggling in closer. Josh sighs.

“Ty, come on. We’ve got stuff to do today.” 

With a loud yawn, Tyler opens his eyes and blinks a few times. When he realizes where he is, Tyler quickly sits up, his face turning just as red as Josh’s. “Oh my gosh. I’m sorry. I didn’t know, if I had--”

“It’s all good, I know I make a good pillow.” Josh manages a grin and hopes it was enough to make the situation not as awkward as it feels. He reaches for his phone to check the time. It’s almost 11 o’clock, and he’s got a couple messages from Mark. “Mark is going to meet us at the nursing home. He doesn’t work until later tonight.”

“Okay,” replies Tyler nervously. Josh catches him looking at the iPhone he’s currently clutching in his hand. Josh about laughs.

“Oh. You don’t know what this is, do you?”

“Not exactly. I’ve sorta just been going along with everything.”

“Yeah. Uhm, it’s a phone, with like, the internet and stuff on it. Basically it’s a little computer.”

“Oh, that’s cool.”

Josh snorts. “You don’t know what the internet is, do you?”

“Nope.”

“Silly Tyler. You’ve got so much to learn.” Josh pockets his phone and puts his hands on his hips. “Let’s get changed, and then we can stop by McDonald’s on our way over there.”

“I do know what McDonald’s is,” he says more confidently, his gorgeous smile plastered back across his face. (Gorgeous? Did Josh seriously just use that term?)

“Good.”

-

They meet Mark outside the nursing home. Tyler looks terrified.

“Everything okay?” Mark whispers, nudging Josh slightly with his elbow. Josh nods.

“I got him some food, he’s got clothes that fit-- I’m pretty sure the only thing bothering him is that we’re about to go visit his parents, who are going to look significantly different from the last time he saw them, no?”

Mark huffs and makes his way over to Tyler. “You ready?”

Tyler nods. “Yeah. I’m ready.”

Mark leads the way through the double doors and up to the front desk. He always has been smooth with the people he talks to. Josh is pretty sure Mark could charm a lion out of eating him.

“Hey, my name’s Mark, these are my brothers Josh and Tyler, and we’re here to visit our grandparents, last name Joseph?”

“Oh, yes,” says the receptionist. “They should be in their room right now, number 204. Have you visited before?”

“Of course,” Mark replies, flashing a charming smile. “We love our grandparents. Thank you so much for your help, you look absolutely beautiful today, has anyone told you that?”

“Oh,” she blushes, “thank you.”

“Have a nice day.” Mark winks, and pulls Tyler in the direction of the 200’s hallway. Josh rolls his eyes.

“I think that last part was overkill.”

“See Josh, this is why you’re still single, and I am not.” He stops in front of room 204. “There you go, Tyler.”

Tyler’s hand wraps around the doorknob, but doesn’t move. “I don’t think I can do this.”

“We’re right here,” Josh promises. “You can do this. You are strong, and they are really going to appreciate this.”

“They won’t think I’m real.”

“We  _ know _ you’re real.” Josh’s hand settles on Tyler’s shoulder. “Second chance, remember? Clean slate. You can do this.”

Tyler takes a deep breath and pushes open the door. Inside, a man sits in a wheelchair, while a woman sits in a chair next to him, facing the wall. The whole thing makes Josh’s heart ache. He knows someday his parents will be in a place like this.

“Mr. Joseph?” Mark speaks up.

“Who are you?” he barks out, narrowing his eyes. Tyler steps forward as Mark lets the door shut. He looks more confident now, and taller than he has since Josh found him. Tyler rolls his shoulders and smiles.

“Hey, Dad.”

Mr. Joseph’s eyes widen to the size of the moon. His mouth forms a soft “o,” and for a second it looks like he’s about to double over. “Tyler?” His voice doesn’t reach above a whisper. Tears fill his eyes.

“Yeah, it’s me.” Tyler drops to his knees and reaches for his father’s hand. “I’m right here.”

“Oh Tyler,” his tears spill down his wrinkled skin. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Tyler says, his voice cracking at the end. Tears swell in his eyes as well.

“We should have been better parents. We should have paid attention to what was going on. We could have saved you.”

“I’m right here. You already saved me.”

Tyler’s father turns towards his wife. “Sweetheart, look. It’s Tyler. Do you remember Tyler? Our son?”

Mrs. Joseph lets out a laugh as she turns in her seat. “Yes, Tyler. I haven’t seen him in so long. Where is he?”

“He’s right here,” He points to Tyler, who moves to face his mother. Tyler reaches out for her shaking hands. 

“Hi, Mom.”

“Oh, Tyler,” she smiles, “Have you cleaned your room? You were supposed to do that last week.”

“I know,” he chuckles, and pain fills his voice. “I’m sorry. I’ll clean it as soon as I get home.”

“How’s school? Is school going okay?”

“Yes. It’s going very well.”

“You need to watch less television, okay? No more MTV until your homework is done.”

“Of course. I’ll get on that right away.”

“I love you, you know that?”

Tyler bites back a sob. “I love you too.” his father reaches out for him again.

“Tyler. I know you aren’t real. I know I’m losing my mind. But I love you. I love you more than the world itself. I wish I could have told you that before you left.”

“I know,” Tyler wipes away some tears. “I love you too. The both of you.” he stands up to pull his father into a hug. “It’s not your fault. It was never your fault. I need you to know that.”

“Thank you,” his father whispers. Tyler steps away, his tears still flowing. Josh puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Come on,” Josh says softly, opening the door to usher Tyler through it. Mark follows, acting as their backbone as they make their way back through the lobby and out the doors. The lady at reception says goodbye, and Mark waves in response.

Tyler doesn’t make it to the car before he slumps against Josh’s chest and begins sobbing. His entire body shakes, and all Josh can do is hug him tightly.

“It’s okay,” Josh whispers, stroking his back gently. He wishes he could make things right. He wishes he could make Tyler happy. “It’s gonna be okay.”

-

When they get home, Tyler goes to the guest bedroom and falls asleep almost immediately. Josh sighs. He has no clue what he’s going to do.

Mark looks up when Josh comes back into the living room. “How is he?”

“Asleep. Dude, was that, what we did, taking him to see his parents, a good idea?”

“He needed closure. Tyler isn’t going anywhere, and he’s definitely not going back to 1985. The kid’s got to realize that this is his new life.” Mark shrugs. “I know people my age whose parents are dead or old too. Circle of life, man. From the minute we’re born, we start dying.”

“That’s deep,” Josh sits down on the couch and sighs. “I know you said we’d help him out, but how am I supposed to take care of him? How am I supposed to  _ raise _ him?”

“Dude, you’re looking at this like Tyler is an eight year old. He’s  _ nineteen. _ He’s only three years younger than you. And you guys click. You’ve only known each other for three days, and to anyone on the street, it’d look like you’ve known each other for  _ years. _ I don’t think you’ll have a problem being with him. I’ll talk to my buddies, see what we can do for him-- we might actually be able to get his old social and stuff, since these days, not many people are going to remember a dude that died thirty years ago.”

“So we’re going to commit identity theft--”

“No, because it  _ is _ Tyler.”

“I need a beer. You want anything?”

“Nah, I’m going on the clock later. Not a good idea.” When Josh stands up, Mark tugs on his shirt. “Dude, look at me.”

“What?” Josh cocks an eyebrow.

“The way you look at him, I know you like him.” Josh scoffs and pulls out of Mark’s grip.

“That’s crazy.”

“No it’s not,” Mark raises his voice as Josh disappears into the kitchen. “The last relationship you were in was during high school dude--”

“I’m not talking about my fucking love life right now.” Josh pulls a beer can out of his fridge, pops the tab, and takes a long drink. This has been the longest weekend of his life. “I’ve got more important things to focus on.”

“I think focusing on seducing Tyler is a pretty important thing.” Josh throws a pillow at Mark’s head and sits back down.

“He does not need me to sweep him off his feet. He climbed out of a grave and found himself in the future.”

“I’m just saying, it might be beneficial for him to be closer to you. Just talk about it. Try to kiss him or something.”

“Mark!” He whisper-hisses.

“Josh!” he says mockingly. “Like I said, it makes sense why I’m in a relationship and you aren’t.”

“Oh, fuck you.” Josh takes another swig of his beer and leans his head against the back of the couch. “I’m not going to do that. He needs to feel safe first.”

“Oh, so there’s a chance?”

“Get the fuck out of my house.” Mark bursts into laughter, and Josh rolls his eyes.

-

The next morning, Josh wakes up to his blaring alarm and sighs loudly. Work.

He goes into the bathroom, takes a quick shower, brushes his teeth, gets dressed, normal work stuff, before heading to the guest room to check on Tyler. He really doesn’t want to leave him alone.

Surprisingly enough, Tyler is wide awake. He’s sitting on the bed with his legs crossed, staring at his hands bunching up the comforter. After a long nap, Josh had gotten him some food, and Tyler disappeared back into the guest room.

“Hey. I uh, I gotta go to work. Are you gonna be okay being by yourself?”

“Yeah,” Tyler says quietly. “I wouldn’t mind going with you though.”

Josh is surprised. “Really?”

“Really. Think it might be better for me. I gotta get used to things. Would that be okay?”

“Uh, yeah, of course. You could chill in my office.” Josh clears his throat. “Well, uhm, go ahead and get dressed. I’m gonna stop by Starbucks on my way there, so we can get you some breakfast.”

“Thanks.” Tyler climbs off the bed and pulls his shirt off. Josh turns away to give him privacy, but he already managed to catch a glimpse and his face turns red. Okay, so he’s got a nice body. Wow.  _ Wow. _

“Just meet me in the car, okay? You can wear the same shoes you’ve been wearing. After I get off, we could probably go get you your own pair, if you want.”

“Okay.” Tyler smiles before his head disappears behind his t-shirt. Josh closes the door and heads for his car.

What is he going to do? Seriously,  _ what is he going to DO??? _

Maybe Mark was right. Maybe he does have a little crush on Tyler, the seemingly undead zombie who is more than alive and perfectly healthy after thirty years. Sure, Tyler is technically a fifty year old man, but he looks nineteen, so what the hell does that  _ mean? _

God, Josh hasn’t had conflicting feelings over a boy since high school. He forgot how much it  _ sucked. _

The two are quiet in the car. Josh has an itching to put on music, but he’s not sure whether or not that’s the best idea.

Tyler stares at the radio with his brow furrowed. A half-smile rises to Josh’s lips when he catches him.

“Confused?”

“Where’s your cassette deck?”

“Huh?” Josh looks at his car radio. “Oh. I don’t have one. That’s for CDs and aux.”

“Oh, CDs,” Tyler replies. “Those were newish. What about aux?”

“I can play my own music through my phone,” Josh points to his iPhone sitting in one of the cup holders. “You just plug it in and play what you wanna play.”

“Can I try?” asks Tyler. Josh can’t tell him no.

“Of course.” he presses the aux setting and unlocks his phone so Tyler can look through his music.

“I recognize this!” A Michael Jackson song starts playing through the speakers. “This is so cool.”

Josh chuckles. “Yeah, it is, isn’t it?”

Tyler’s attention quickly moves from Josh’s phone to out the window. He points. “There’s Starbucks.”

“You know what you want?”

“You can order something tasty for me, right? No gross black coffee.”

Josh laughs again. “Of course not.”

-

At work, Josh introduces Tyler as his friend from out of town. His coworkers are a bit surprised Josh is bringing someone into work; he’s one of the youngest people there, and most of them have brought their kids in once or twice so this is nothing new. Josh assumes they thought he just didn’t have anyone to bring into work. (Which is totally not even true, because he could bring in Jordan or Abbie if he really wanted to. They’d just drive him absolutely nuts.)

Tyler sits down in a chair across from Josh’s desk. “So what exactly do you do around here?”

“I work for Steel Records,” he gestures around him, “helping bands on our label get bigger and more well known. So I’m mostly in charge of running the record label social media accounts and getting help spreading album releases and stuff.”

“So, music business.”

“Yeah, exactly.” Josh sits down and opens his computer. “I’m working on designing some promotional stuff for tours. Wanna help?”

“Sure!” Tyler drags his chair around to Josh’s side and looks at the screen. “So, this is an actual computer.”

“Yes. An actual computer.”

“It’s cool.”

“That’s what everyone thinks too.” He grins. “Okay, so I’m thinking of bright colors, what do you think?”

“That sounds like a great idea.” Tyler reaches for his coffee and takes a long sip. Josh’s grin widens.

“Tyler, you’re going to fit just well around here.”

-

Tyler comes to work with Josh every day for the next week and a half. His coworkers love him and ask him a ton of questions-- if he’s in school, what he wants to do with his life, if he’d ever be interested in music business. Tyler explains that he’s actually a big fan of music, and had learned to play guitar and piano when he was little.

Josh wonders if Tyler misses playing an instrument. Josh himself knows he’s got a drumset in his basement that has been untouched since high school; Part of him wants to dust it off and start playing again.

Most importantly, Tyler seems sorta okay with being in this world now. Mark had informed them that he had a friend retrieving Tyler’s old social security number and was getting him a new birth certificate and license to use, which Tyler was excited about. Josh had told him that he could probably get Tyler a job at the office as an intern or something.

One evening, the two of them are sitting on the couch, watching  _ Sixteen Candles. _ They are pressed thigh to thigh, Josh’s arm across the back of the couch, a bowl of popcorn sitting between them. Their movie nights had become a tradition over the few weeks, something they did to give Tyler familiarity from his era. Tyler really seemed to enjoy it, and that was all Josh needed for his stomach to settle.

“Do you remember how to drive?” Josh is watching Jake Ryan stick his hand in Samantha’s back pocket. It’s out of the blue, but something that was on the top of his head. 

“Yeah,” Tyler says, shoving a handful of popcorn into his mouth. “It’s funny, because even though all these years have passed, I still remember my last year alive so clearly. I can remember what I ate for dinner my last night.” He flicks a popcorn kernel off his knee, prompting Josh to pause the movie. He looks at Tyler, studying him, trying to see if he’s about to have a mental breakdown. So far, he seems to be doing pretty well. 

“Did you go to church?”

Tyler looks up at him. “Yeah, I was raised Christian.”

“You know how we’re supposed to believe in miracles? You know, put our faith in the lord and stuff.” Tyler nods. “I always struggled with that bit because I was so convinced I could take care of things myself. Plus, I’m not exactly the perfect model most Christians are looking for.”

A frown. “Whaddya mean?”

“For starters, I’ve got piercings and tattoos. Dying my hair different colors doesn’t exactly help either,” even though it was currently shaved down to his scalp, “and lastly, well, it’s the big no-no.”

“Which is?”

“I’m gay.”

Tyler quirks up an eyebrow. “I bet it’s a lot easier to be gay now, though.”

“I mean, sure, definitely, compared to the eighties, but I’m still in the minority. There are still people out there who struggle with the concept of sexuality.”

He bites his lip and twists his fingers together, thinking. “Is gay marriage legal?”

“It is.”

“And things with aids...”

“Sorted out. Kind of. But it’s better than it was in the eighties.”

Tyler nods again. Josh knows he’s thinking, but he still wishes Tyler would share his thoughts with him. Finally, he says, “I’m gay too.”

Josh lets out a deep breath. “Did that have anything to do with—”

“Yes,” he interrupts, pushing his nails into the palm of his hand, “yes.”

“Well,” Josh clears his throat, “you’ll have an easier time with the whole sexuality thing now. And you’ve always got me to talk to, if you need it. About anything.”

“I know,” Tyler responds softly. When he pulls his hand away, it leaves four, crescent shaped marks. Josh reaches for his hand and frowns his disapproval.

“You shouldn’t do that to yourself,” he murmurs, tracing a fingertip over Tyler’s palm. Tyler must do that often, or rather, did it often, because his palms are scarred.

“I know,” he’s blunt, “but I do.”

“If you’re alive, maybe I should believe in miracles.”

Tyler snorts. “I guess I should too, then.”

A pause. Josh is still holding Tyler’s hand and thinking about Mark’s words all those days ago. Would Tyler be okay if Josh were to kiss him? He supposes he could try. They were already pretty close. 

Josh leans in and kisses Tyler quickly before he can change his mind. His face is flushed with heat as the realization comes to Tyler’s mind.

He uses a hand to pull Josh back towards him, placed tentatively on Josh’s neck, to kiss him longer this time, deeper, even, until they are both gasping in arousal. Tyler’s teeth graze Josh’s bottom lip, holding it in place, and the second he’s let go, Josh tongue runs across the roof of Tyler’s mouth. 

Out of breath, his eyes wide, Tyler pulls away. “Josh, I—”

“Was that okay?” God, he was panicking. 

“No! Yes! It was great. It was amazing. It, well,” he’s nervous, casting his eyes into his lap, “I’ve never kissed anyone before.”

Josh’s eyes widen. “Wait. That was your first kiss?”

“Yes,” he admits meekly.

“Oh my God,” Josh’s short fingernails grasp at his scalp, “I just took your first kiss from you.”

“You didn’t!” Tyler grabs Josh’s wrist. “No, I loved it. It kinda, sorta, turned me on.” He’s blushing too, so Josh doesn’t feel as dumb anymore. 

“That’s good to hear.”

“No, I,” he sighs, “I thought I was unlovable. Everyone I knew was in a relationship and then there was me, all alone, with no experience. I guess this just happens to be part of the second chance.” Tyler bites his lip, shakes his head. “I’m still a virgin, Josh. I don’t, I have no experience--”

“Tyler, that doesn’t matter.” Josh reaches out to rest a hand on Tyler’s knee. “It doesn’t matter, okay? You’re only nineteen. You have plenty of time--”

“I’m not nineteen, though, Josh.  I know that I look like this, that I have the memories of my life as a nineteen year old, but... I’m not. I’m fifty-two. I was supposed to be dead, and I was, for thirty three years. Josh, I don’t know who I am anymore.” When he looks up, there are tears in his eyes, threatening to spill. Tyler is hanging on by a thread; he’s broken and defeated.

With a long sigh, Josh wraps his arms around Tyler’s shoulders and tucks him into his chest. Tyler heaves a little, sniffing as an attempt to keep his tears concealed.

“You can cry,” Josh whispers, running his thumb across Tyler’s shoulder out of comfort and support. “You can cry, Ty. It’s okay.”

“No,” Tyler mumbles into the crook of Josh’s neck, “I’m done crying.” He pulls away, flashes a smile, and sniffs. “I don’t know how I’m here. I don’t know who decided that I deserved a second chance. But what I do know is that I would have never gotten the opportunity to meet you if I hadn’t been offered this chance, so I’m going to put my faith in the cosmos and whatever else is up there for what comes next. I’m thankful for you, Josh, because if you hadn’t been here for me, who knows where I would have ended up?”

“I’m a strong believer that everything happens for a reason.” Josh keeps his voice soft as he glances at the television with their movie still on pause. “So whatever you need, I promise I’m here for you. Even if that means being a shoulder for you to cry on.”

“No. No more tears.” He’s still smiling. “I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. This is my new life. It isn’t 1985 anymore.”

“You can still be a kid,” Josh tells him. “You don’t need to force yourself to be a mature old man. It’s like, Marty. You know, from  _ Back to the Future. _ He went to the future, but he was still himself. Just be yourself, Ty. I’ll like you either way.”

Tyler shrugs. “To be fair, he did see his future self. I am my future self.”

“To be fair,” Josh grins, “that movie is a poor depiction of the future.”

A blush. Tyler looks down at his loose _Star Wars_ tee that Josh finds him to wear a lot. It’s old, because Josh had worn it a lot too as a teen, but it fills his heart. “If you wanna take my virginity, I wouldn’t mind.”

“I don’t want you to feel pressured.”

“No, I’m not. I like you. And besides,” he refuses to make eye contact, “I bet sex is a lot better than jacking myself off in the shower.”

Josh chuckles. “Sex is definitely better than jacking off in the shower. I’m just scared you’ll get overwhelmed. There is a lot of new happening for you.”

“Which is  _ okay,” _ Tyler promises, reaching for Josh’s hand. His slender fingers are soft and slick, compared to Josh’s dry, calloused ones. “I am enjoying the newness and the change. If I don’t embrace it, I’ll fall back into my old patterns. The thing about suicide, Josh, is that it is partially my fault.”

“Tyler, no--”

_ “Yes,” _ Tyler interrupts, his voice firm. “It’s something nobody wants to think about, but it’s true. I spend so much time thinking everyone hated me, that I couldn’t be loved. But that’s not true in the slightest. And maybe, if I had managed to learn that before things got so bad, I would have survived. So I am going to embrace the change, Joshua, because not many people get a second chance at life.”

He smiles. It’s different from his last smile; softer, confident, more willing to take on the future. Josh knew Tyler was going to struggle, but it was comforting to see him accepting the changes.

And so, he leans back in, rests his hand on Tyler’s knee, and kisses him again. Tyler accepts the kiss, his hands latching on to Josh’s waist, kneading the fabric of his shirt like dough, sneaking his fingers underneath to touch skin. He gasps slightly, into Josh’s mouth when he touches Josh’s hip bone.

“Oh my God,” he says quietly, “you have the deepest V-lines I think I’ve ever seen.”

Josh blushes. “Oh, thank you.”

Tyler bites his lip and generously tugs upwards on the hem of Josh’s shirt. Josh seems to catch his drift and pulls it off, letting Tyler’s hands wander the length of his torso. One stops at his sternum and hovers over his right pec. “Can I?” He asks. Josh nods, so Tyler rests his hand over Josh’s nipple.

“You are so firm,” he giggles. Josh shakes his head. 

“You’re a nerd.”

Tyler brings him back in and nips at his bottom lip. “I know, but I’m also horny.”

“Pace yourself,” Josh reminds him, wrapping his arms around Tyler’s waist to pull him into his lap. Tyler squeaks in surprise, but settles soon after.

“I don’t want to,” his words spill into Josh’s mouth, “I want all of you, right now.”

Josh sighs as he separates them just so he can see Tyler’s entire face. “Are you sure?”

Tyler nods. “Josh, I have never been more sure about something.”

“Okay,” he agrees, pulling Tyler up off the couch with him. Tyler keeps his legs wrapped tightly around Josh’s waist as they move to the bedroom, his back the first thing to crash into the comfort of the mattress, Josh not soon behind. He presses a deep kiss to Tyler’s lips as his fingers unzip Tyler’s jeans cautiously. He’s so worried Tyler will start freaking out. Josh knows how scared he was during his first time. He wants to make Tyler feel loved and protected. He wants Tyler to know that he has nothing to be worried about.

Josh takes his pants off first, leaving him in his boxers, and hooks his fingers underneath the waistband of Tyler’s brand new underwear. He pauses, his mouth hovering above Tyler’s own. “If there is anything I’m doing that makes you uncomfortable, let me know right away, okay?”

Tyler is chewing on his lip. He nods. “I’m okay, Josh.”

“And if you need me to stop--”

“I’m  _ okay.” _ His hand rests on Josh’s arm, his eyes hooded, waiting. “I promise.”

_ Deep breath.  _ Josh pulls them down slowly, over Tyler’s thighs, over his knees, down to his ankles, and tosses them onto the bedroom floor. Fully naked, Tyler spreads his legs and pushes himself up the bed, leaning against Josh’s plethora of pillow as he pulls his knees to his chest. He’s nervous. Josh can tell because his Adam’s Apple is bobbing with every nervous swallow.

“Hey, nothing to be scared of,” Josh reminds him with a small half-smile. Tyler nods.

“Will you take yours off too?”

“Of course.” He rolls off the bed and stands up before yanking his boxers to his ankles. Tyler chuckles as Josh kicks them off and jumps back on the bed to kiss the younger (older?) boy once more. His touches are soft and sweet, his moments slow, all to make Tyler less nervous. Josh knows Tyler is hard, because he’s leaking, but Josh also knows Tyler won’t say anything about it because that’s how he is.

“You’d touch yourself at this point, right?”

Tyler nods, his breaths short and hoarse. “Yes.”

“Can I do it? For you?”

His bottom lip trembles. “Oh my G-- yes. Please,  _ yes.” _

With a smile dripping with arousal, Josh leans over to pull his bottle of lube out of the bedside table and rubs and generous amount over his hands before directing one to Tyler’s cock. He looks up, waiting for consent, and with a nod of Tyler’s head, he reaches for the base and strokes upwards. Tyler’s entire body shakes as he throws his head back and gasps.

“Oh my God.” He pushes his hips upwards into Josh’s hand, wanting him to increase the friction. With his other lubed up hand, Josh probes Tyler’s entrance, watching him carefully, rocking back on his knees when Tyler seems overwhelmed.

“If I put--”

“Please,” Tyler begs before Josh can finish his sentence, “Please, Josh. I want all of you. I  _ need _ all of you.”

“We just need to go slow, okay? Work our way up to my length.”

“Your cock,” Tyler shivers, his head still lost in the clouds as his fingers clench the sheets, “inside of me. Oh my God, Josh. Oh my  _ God.” _

His hand near Tyler’s ass latches onto one of his cheek. Tyler moans, his eyelids fluttering. Josh thinks they might not make it before Tyler comes. Already, this seems to be a lot for him.

“Just relax, Ty, okay? Can you do that for me?”

“Y-Yeah,” his voice waivers. Josh continues stroking his cock, rubs his thumb over the cockhead, back and forth over the urethra, biting his tongue as Tyler gasps for air. He sounds like he’s drowning, so Josh reminds him one more time to relax before pressing tiny, butterfly kisses to the inside of his trembling thighs.

“Shh,” he whispers, mouthing down around the skin of his pubic bone, kissing Tyler’s balls, running his tongue along the mass of pubic hair, kissing the head of his cock. Tyler groans Josh’s name as Josh slips one finger inside of him.

Tyler is crying and he’s trying to hide that fact. Josh sits up, his pointer finger still inside Tyler’s ass, the rest of his hand clenched around his cheek.

“Are you okay?”

“Please don’t stop,” he whispers, “I’m holding, waiting, please--”

Josh bites his tongue as he pushes his finger deeper, his muscles tensing as Tyler yells out and squeezes his eyes shut. A few more tears slide down his red cheeks as Josh thrusts his finger in and out quickly, his other hand still massaging Tyler’s cock. When he feels ready, Josh adds another finger, starting slowly, working his way up to a reasonable rhythm as Tyler continues to whine and buck his hips up below him. He feels Tyler’s prostate, knowing he’s deep enough, and returns to his kisses as Tyler sobs. He’s chewing on his knuckle, making himself bleed. 

“It’s okay,” Josh soothes, “It’s okay. I can stop. Ty, I can stop.”

“I just gotta, gotta catch my breath,” he croaks. Josh pulls his fingers out of Tyler’s ass but continues to kiss his testicles, up his shaft, to his glands, trying to keep him comfortable as he breathes his ragged breaths.

“You don’t need to hold on. If it’s too much, it’s too much.”

“No,” Tyler shakes his head. He’s sweating so much that hair sticks to his forehead. “I want it. I want you.” His hands are shaking, the muscles in his arms taut. “I can take it, please.”

“One more finger, then, okay? Three this time. And if it hurts, if you make any indication that I’m hurting you, I will stop.”

“O-Okay,” he stutters, closing his eyes. With his lips still pressed against Tyler’s cock, he recoats his fingers in lube, rubbing some at Tyler’s entrance, and pushes his first three fingers inside slowly, his ears perked for any signs of panic. Tyler only gasps, louder than any time previously, his ass loosening as Josh spreads his slick fingers.

“Where do you want me?” Asks Josh gruffly.

“My dick,” Tyler pleads, pushing his hips towards Josh’s face. With a nod, Josh lowers his head, licks at the glands, before taking Tyler’s entire length into his mouth. He buries his nose in Tyler’s pubic hair, loving that he’s unshaved, that there is so much hair here for him to enjoy. Josh was a big fan of hair, and hardly any of the previous men he dated were as “al natural” as Tyler was.

When his fingers have enough room to spread and Tyler is no longer gasping at the push, Josh feels ready. He watches over Tyler’s splayed form as he rolls a condom onto his hard cock and one again coats everything in as much lube as he possibly can. He holds onto Tyler’s hips, allowing the other to grasp at his hands with his own, and pushes inside of him. Tyler screams, which prompts Josh to stop, but it isn’t in pain, but pleasure. Tyler is dripping with sweat, every inch of his dark skin splotchy and red, as Josh pushes his cock further inside.

Tyler doesn’t make it past one and a half thrusts before he’s coming, painting his tummy, thighs, and stomach in inky white ribbons. Josh holds onto him tightly, whispering sweet nothings into his ear, kissing his neck, massaging his back as he wiggles around violently, his vocabulary nothing more than grunts and gasps. When he’s finished, Josh pulls out, removes the condom, and drops it on the floor. He’s still hard, but that’s nothing he can’t fix with his own hands. The only thing that matters is Tyler’s comfort.

“You’re okay,” Josh strokes Tyler’s cheek with his hand and smiles, “you did a good job, Ty.”

“Let me,” he struggles to pull himself up and makes grabby motions with his hands, “You’re still hard.”

“It’s fine. You lasted pretty long for your first time.”

“No,” he frowns, “you need release too. Let me help.”

Josh allows it by passing Tyler the lube bottle. He coats his hand and goes to work, leaving Josh in a pleasure filled trance. Tyler knows his way around a dick, because his movements are quick, full of friction, and perfectly poised. They kiss again, Tyler’s hand still on his cock, Tyler’s tongue in his mouth, his hands pinching Tyler’s nipples, until he too comes all over himself and Tyler practically sitting in his lap. He catches his breath before stealing another kiss.

“God, Tyler.” Josh, exhausted, says, “you were so good. So, so good.”

“You were right. That was better than jacking myself off in the shower,” Tyler replies, causing Josh to laugh. He looks over at the boy with his hair matted to his forehead and realizes he might be falling in love.

“Speaking of showers, we gotta go clean ourselves up. Come on.” Josh slides off the bed and beckons Tyler with a wave of his hand. Tyler trudges slowly behind him to the ensuite connected to the master bathroom and leans against the sink as Josh waits for the water temperature to adjust. He shoots Tyler a look.

“You aren’t a virgin anymore.”

Tyler grins with his tongue in between his teeth. “Thank you, Josh. For being so cautious and slow with me. I know it was probably annoying--”

“No, not at all!” Josh cuts in, peeling back the shower curtain. He gestures with a tilt of his head. “Get in.”

Tyler does. Under the warm spray of the shower, Tyler wraps his arms around Josh’s neck and kisses him tentatively, allowing his lips to caress against the corner of Josh’s mouth. They share a smile.

“I think I might be falling for you,” Josh murmurs. Tyler’s smile widens.

“Funny, I was gonna say the same thing.”

-

Two months have passed when the “incident” begins. Mark was aware at this point that Tyler and Josh were seeing each other; he never went more than a day without making some sort of joke. Really, Josh knew Mark was just happy both of them were happy. As annoying as he could be, Mark was a good guy.

Tyler had even started his internship at Steel Records, his social and birth certificate returned and made believable. He followed Josh around, learning everything he needed to know to be a full time employee. Tyler was personable, kind, and energetic, which made everyone in the office like him. Josh was glad things were going well.

Unfortunately, the cosmos seemed to think some balance was needed, because Josh wakes up to Tyler screaming his head off.

He awakes with a jolt and sits up, noting the spot next to him in bed is empty. The bathroom light is on, Tyler’s shadow on the carpet, so Josh scatters across the room.

Tyler stands hunched over the bathroom sink, his hand clutched to his chest. Josh makes his way around, his lips pressed into a frown, as he rests a hand on Tyler’s shoulder. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“My, my finger,” Tyler is hysterical as he holds his hand up. Sure enough, there is something wrong with his finger-- the middle one to be specific.

It’s currently sitting in the sink.

“Oh my God.” Josh stumbles backwards, a hand on his stomach, as he resists his urge to vomit everywhere. He didn’t get a very good look, but knew it wasn’t attached to Tyler’s hand like it should have been.

“I j-just, I woke up, and it-t, it w-was hurting, and it was b-black--” Tyler breaks down into sobs. Josh wills himself to be brave, forces himself to pull Tyler in for a hug. He holds him through his tremors and rubs his back.

“Hey, we’ll figure this out, okay?” Nothing. “Okay?”

Tyler sniffs, “okay.” 

Josh pulls their hug apart and looks down to inspect Tyler’s missing finger. It came off at the knuckle; the skin underneath is completely black and seems to be spreading to his hand. In fact, now that he’s looking, Tyler seems much paler than usual. His eyes are sunken into his head and his hair looks ready to fall out.

He looks... like a corpse.

With a nervous swallow, Josh sneaks a peek at the sink, where the rest of Tyler’s finger sits, also completely black with rot. It’s got an odor too, which is not sitting well in Josh’s stomach.

“Josh,” Tyler’s voice cracks, “I’m rotting.”

“No.” Josh shakes his head. “No, no you aren’t--”

“Fucking  _ look _ at me!” He hisses, shoving his hand in Josh’s face. “This isn’t something that can be fixed!”

“I’ll call Mark,” Josh suggests, darting back into the bedroom for his cell phone. Tyler follows, a fresh set of tears on his face as he leans against the doorframe.

“What is Mark going to do?”

“I don’t know, but he’s a nurse! He, he knows more than we do, right?”

Tyler laughs bitterly. He’s hanging on by a thread. “Maybe I’ll start craving brains in a few hours.”

“Tyler,  _ no.”  _ Josh’s voice is thick. “Don’t start making jokes, okay? We can figure this out.”

“I think I get it,” he begins to pace the length of Josh’s room, “the universe realized it made a mistake. I should be dead. The universe fucked up and now I’m fucking  _ rotting.  _ God, I’ll be a corpse by the night--”

“Stop it!” Josh clutches his phone so tight that his knuckles turn white. He’s on the verge of a mental breakdown as well, trying so hard to not shout. “Please, stop. The universe did not make a mistake. You deserve to live--”

“Obviously not!” Tyler starts laughing again. When he trips, Josh is there to catch him, to pull into a tight embrace, to whisper that everything is going to be okay.

By the time Tyler has calmed down, Josh isn’t sure if he believes himself.

-

Mark listens to their story in its entirety before he speaks. He leans back in his chair, folds his arms, and sighs loudly. “Where’s the finger?”

“In the freezer,” Josh replies lamely. Tyler stares forward blankly, unmoving, like a porcelain doll. He hasn’t spoken nor moved since Josh made the phone call.

“Good,” Mark replies as he pushes himself out of his chair. He kneels in front of Tyler and cautiously touches his knee. “Can I take a look at what’s going on?”

Tyler says nothing. Josh nods for him.

Slowly, Mark slips his hand underneath Tyler’s loose tee and rests it over his heart. He holds his breath, his face growing paler with every passing second. When he tucks his hands in his lap, Josh knows something is terribly wrong.

“What?” He demands, ignoring the cracks in his voice. Mark opens his mouth, closes it, and opens it again. He’s thinking of how to phrase his sentence.

“His heart isn’t beating.”

_ “What?” _ In a panic, Josh grabs a hold of Tyler’s wrist and places two of his fingers against it. He calms himself down, wills himself for a pulse, but there is nothing. His fingers move to Tyler’s neck; there isn’t a pulse there, either.

“Josh, please calm down. You’re only making things worse,” Mark states, his voice level, his entire persona calm. Josh doesn’t want to calm down. Tyler is a corpse sitting in his living room.

“What the fuck are we supposed to do? He-- Tyler--” Josh scoffs, rapidly running his fingers over his short scalp, “He’s literally the walking dead.”

Tyler’s eyes flicker; their first movement in what feels like ages. He forces himself to shrug despite the fact that his shoulders don’t seem to want to cooperate. “The universe made a mistake.”

“The universe didn’t make a FUCKING MISTAKE!” Josh roars, pointing a finger at Tyler, who cowers into the sofa. He tugs at his ears and tries to ignore the guilt building in his stomach that makes him want to puke. “It didn’t, Tyler. It fucking didn’t.”

An uneasy silence fills the room as Mark shoves Josh out of the way to bring himself closer to the zombie in Josh’s living room. He whispers something incoherent to Josh’s ears and Tyler pulls his shirt off. He has pink and blue bruises forming on his chest, on his stomach, even his arms. Mark runs a hand through his hair.

“What does it mean?” Tyler’s words are laced with fear. It’s a question he didn’t want to know the answer to.

“There are four stages of decomposition,” Mark starts, refusing to look up at Tyler’s sad eyes. Instead, he speaks to the carpet. “You are currently in the first stage. Rigor Mortis.”

“Which means what?” Josh drops down to his knees next to Mark, his body movements pleading for answers. Mark takes a deep breath through his nose.

“His muscles are stiffening because his blood isn’t flowing properly. It’s starting to sink with gravity, thus,” he gestures to the bruises, “the spots.”

“And why my arms hurt,” Tyler mumbles. He has tears falling again. It makes Josh furious. He wants to destroy everything in his path like a hurricane.

“The second stage results in bloating as the gases rise to the surface. I would suggest making your house as cold as possible.”

“We have to ice box him?”

“It will prolong the first stage,” Mark explains. “Following one and two is the actual decay part. Keep Tyler indoors and make sure the windows and doors and tight. If bugs get to him, they will start to eat his decaying flesh.”

“Oh my God,” Tyler gags into his hands.

“Fuck,” Josh hisses. He tugs at his ears again.

“The rot on your hand is dry rot. Really, you shouldn’t be decaying yet so just, keep things cold, okay? I don’t... I don’t know what else we can do.”

Tyler sits up. The skin around his nose is turning purple and his eyes are rimmed with red. Chances are, they won’t be going back to normal. “There isn’t anything we can do. I’m dying. You guys might as well return me to my grave and--”

“No,” Josh cuts him off. There is so much fury in his voice that the whole house shakes. “We will not fucking  _ bury you alive, _ Tyler. So you can get that idea out of your head right now.”

Mark clears his throat. “I can sew your finger back on. You’ll just need to keep it bandaged up so it... stays.”

“Thank you.”

“So we’re going to pretend everything is okay, huh?” Josh sees red. His nose twitches. “We’re going to sit here and watch Tyler’s skin fall off his bones.”

“There’s not much else we can do, Josh,” Tyler tells him.

“What about life? What if you try to get in the shower and your skin just fucking slides down the drain?”

“Joshua, knock it off,” Mark warns.

“No. No! Fuck you guys. I’m going to actually try and do something about this.” He grabs his jacket out of the hall closet and aggressively hurles his arms though the sleeves. His wallet goes in his front pocket and he clutches his keys tightly in his hand.

“Josh, be reasonable here. What do you think you can do?” Tyler is pleading with him, just as he had done with Mark. It’s a cruel circle, a cruel act of fate, a cruel act of the universe. How could the cosmos give him Tyler only to rip him away? It wasn’t fair.

“I’ll do whatever it fucking takes to stop you from dying again,” he says firmly, slamming the front door behind him.

-

Josh isn’t sure how long he stands outside Tyler’s grave, but by the time Mark shows up, he thinks he’s cried all the moisture out of his body. Mark shoves his hands in his pockets and clicks his tongue.

“Tyler is sleeping. I took the liberty of making your house a cool forty degrees. I hope you have layers.”

Josh sniffs. “My bill is going to be through the roof.”

“I’ll help you pay. It’s worth it.” He directs his gaze towards the headstone. “I... I thought he’d have longer.”

Apparently he does have tears left. They are running again. “There was so much I wanted to do with him. Celebrate his birthday. Take him to meet my family. Get him his own phone. Fucking,” he laughs sadly, “marry him. I actually thought that someday, I could marry him. Imagine me telling my parents I’m engaged to a zombie.” Mark doesn’t say anything. Josh knows he’s lending his ears, here to help Josh feel better by getting everything off his chest. “He had a job, and he was so good at it. I thought there was a reason he was getting a second chance. I thought God believed in him. Turns out God is just a fucking dickhead.”

“There are forces at work here that we don’t understand,” Mark explains. “Perhaps this is something only Tyler can solve.”

Josh bites his lip and peels back chapped skin. He hangs his head. “I need to make him feel loved and protected. Just like I’ve been doing. Back there, I was an asshole.”

“We’re all scared, Josh. I think Tyler understands. Just let him know you are there for him and will be until the end. He needs you.”

“I need him,” hysteria is building inside his ribcage. Josh thinks he might pass out from all the emotions inside of him. “I need him too. I don’t want to live without him in my life.”

“You have before,” Mark points out softly. Josh’s stomach turns. He clenches his abdomen.

“He’s the part that was missing. The part I need to... to be myself. To truly be happy.” He can’t hold it anymore. Josh turns away and vomits into the grass. It keeps coming and is all Josh can see through his tears. He’s so angry at the universe, at God. There was always something trying to control him. Why couldn’t he be in charge of his own goddamn life? He doesn’t want to live alone in the world without Tyler by his side. He doesn’t want to trudge onwards without Tyler in his bed, without Tyler next to him at work, without Tyler laughing about a cheesy joke over breakfast.

Josh wants to throw up again, but he makes himself hold it in as he straightens his clothes and takes a deep breath. Mark is right. If anyone needs to be brave, it’s him, for Tyler’s safe. He needs to be there for Tyler’s last days.

Mark stops Josh from walking away, and, with watery eyes, pulls him into a tight hug. Josh starts crying again as Mark’s hand touches the small of his back. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fucking fair.

“I’m here too, if you or Tyler need anything. And I mean anything. If he has anymore body parts fall off, give me a call, alright?”

“Okay,” he mumbles into Mark’s shoulder. Mark holds him when they pulls away and rubs at his arms. He forces a smile.

“You have to be brave, Josh. It’s not going to be easy, but you have to be brave.”

Josh nods. “I know.”

He will be brave. He’s just not sure for how long.

-

Mark walks him home, but drives away with Josh still standing in the driveway. He’s trying to muster up the courage needed to go inside his freezer of a home and see Tyler’s rotting body inside. His stomach clenches just thinking about seeing Tyler’s body being eaten by maggots and blowflies.

He shivers the second he crosses over the threshold, cursing under his breath as he pulls another jacket on and reaches for the top shelf to grab a pair of gloves and a beanie. Josh eyes the light on his bedroom, takes a deep breath, and walks in.

Tyler lays on the bed with his legs spread out and his back against the headboard, his eyes unblinking as he stares at the television. The news is on, talking about some riot happening over in Philadelphia. Josh sits down at the edge of the bed and swallows nervously. He doesn’t need to see to know how rapidly his Adam’s Apple is bobbing.

The blood has settled down to the bottom of Tyler’s legs, sending his pale skin into a gradient of purples and blues. Josh can feel his insides sloshing around violently, threatening to spill out of him.

“Sorry it’s so cold,” Tyler says with lackluster. His voice even sounds like it’s withering away.

“It’s okay,” Josh promises, even though his teeth are chattering. He adjusts his beanie and moves further up the bed to rest a hand on Tyler’s hairy leg. It still feels like Tyler, which is a plus. “How are you feeling?”

“Stiff,” he answers, using the remote to turn to television off. Josh notices how rigid his movements are.

“Does it hurt?”

“A little,” Tyler admits. Josh reaches his other hand over and begins to massage Tyler’s left leg. Tyler closes his eyes and tilts his head up to the ceiling. “That feels good.”

“What is the stiffest?” Josh kicks his shoes off and slides over Tyler’s body to the other side of the bed to continue rubbing Tyler’s muscles. Tyler starts chewing on his lip.

“Probably the crook of my arms.” He offers his right arm to Josh who promptly begins rubbing the feeling back into it. They sit in uneasy silence while Josh continues kneading. He presses as hard as he can, wishing he could solve all their problems with a simple back massage.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” Josh whispers. “I shouldn’t have freaked out.” He keeps his eyes on Tyler’s wrapped up handing, knowing underneath he’s rotting away.

“You have every right to freak out. Right now, you’re rubbing the rigor mortis out of my muscles.” He hiccups. “I didn’t know I would cause you so much pain.”

“You aren’t,” Josh tries to argue, but Tyler won’t have it.

“Don’t lie, Josh. It’s practically the freezing point in here and I know how hard you’re trying not to cry. It’s my fault.”

“It’s no one’s fault.”

Tyler sighs, making Josh pause so he can bend his elbow and wiggle his fingers before allowing him to resume. “I didn’t know things would go like this. If I had, I would have never let you get attached.”

“We’re dealing with this together, Ty. I would let you be alone. Tomorrow I’ll call in sick and use up the rest of my sick days so we can figure this out.”

“You and I both know there’s nothing to figure out.” Tyler looks at him sadly. Then, as a lame attempt to cheer Josh up, says, “Did you know you have like, a semi-permanent erection when you die? I have the biggest boner ever right now. I’m just scared that my dick might fall off if I touch it.”

Josh huffs as he runs his thumb over Tyler’s smooth skin. He really is a porcelain doll. “It’s not fair.”

“I know. Maybe this was a test. I was given the opportunity to return to Earth and live a new life only to do something wrong. The thing is, Josh, I don’t know what I did wrong. I’ve been sitting here trying to figure it out but I can’t think of anything. Maybe it’s because I visited my parents? That I felt the need to return to my old life, my old habits. Or maybe it’s because God really does hate gays.”

“If God hates gays, he can suck my dick.”

Tyler smiles and tucks his chin to his chest. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I did to end up like this. Maybe I really was selfish for taking my own life. It really hurt the people around me. It hurt my parents, my siblings. Talking with my father was hard enough, but thinking about talking to Zack or Maddy or Jay, seeing them with spouses and children, I can only imagine how that would go. My dad has old age to blame my appearance on. What do they have? They’d probably think it was some kind of cruel joke.”

Josh wants to tell Tyler that wouldn’t have happened, but he knows that’s a lie. Tyler continues.

“Maybe I was selfish for coming into your life and making you do all these things for me.”

“Absolutely not,” Josh is firm. “I wanted to do those things for you. You did not make me.”

“Maybe not, but what if that’s how God sees it? He sees me as weak, as invasive, for showing up like I did.”

“You were scared. God wouldn’t hate you for asking for help.”

“Yeah, maybe. I guess I just keep thinking about how I wasn’t supposed to be like this in this year. 2018.” He chuckles. “I was supposed to be an old man, working some blue collar job, with a wife and two kids. That, or I was supposed to continue on as nothing more than skeleton bones.” That prompts another question. “Do you think heaven is real? That I’ll end up there after my body is uninhabitable?”

“I don’t know if heaven is real, but I know whatever exists up there that is supposed to bring you joy is where you will go. And I know that because you have been nothing but kind to me and those around you since you arrived here. The folks at the office love you. Mark loves you. I... love you.”

“I love you too. I’m sorry this had to be the situation for us to say those words to each other.”

His fingers, still rubbing Tyler’s arm, tremble. Josh is trying so hard to be brave for Tyler, but he’s not sure how much longer he’ll survive.

And then, there’s the small buzz of a housefly as it lands on Tyler’s leg and begins... eating. Josh swats it away and in anger, picks up his shoe to kill it. It leaves a stain against his wall as he calms his breathing, leaving the tension in the room at an all time high.

“I’ll seal the doors tomorrow,” he promises, moving to sit back down. Tyler blinks back tears of his own.

“I just want you to know how thankful I am to have met you. You really have been my guardian angel throughout this journey and I don’t think I could have done it without you. Everyone talks about how the eighties were simpler times full of nostalgia and good memories, but if I’ve learned anything, it’s that it’s not good to dwell in the past. We gotta keep moving forward, even when it seems impossible.”

“Keep moving forward,” Josh repeats, his voice cracking. He can’t hold his tears in anymore and pulls Tyler into a hug. “I don’t want to live without you.”

Tyler strokes Josh’s shaved head and sniffs himself. “You have to, Josh. For me. For the both of us.”

“It’s not fair,” he sobs into Tyler’s chest. “It’s not fair.”

“I know.”

-

The next day, Tyler loses a toenail. Josh puts a band-aid on and calls it good.

-

The day after that, Josh cleans Tyler off with a washcloth and a bar of soap. When he goes to brush Tyler’s hair, it comes out in clumps. 

“It’s okay,” Tyler tries to tell him, but that doesn’t stop Josh from digging underneath his sink for his electric hair clippers and shaving Tyler’s head down to the scalp. They cry together as Tyler whispers “thank you” into the crook of Josh’s neck over and over again.

-

On day four, Mark comes back over with all his medical supplies. Tyler is starting to bloat, his small tummy sticking out as the gases inside his corpse attempt to rise to the surface. Josh added that to the list of things to massage for Tyler. He’s been kissing him all over too, hoping it would help with the pain.

“You shaved your head,” Mark points out the obvious as he sits down on the edge of the bed. “It looks good.”

“Thank you. Josh did it for me.”

Josh catches Mark’s eye briefly before Mark forces a smile and sits up straight. “Four days and you’re just now starting to bloat. That’s pretty impressive.”

“How much time do you think I have left?”

The question makes Josh want to vomit, but he keeps himself afloat.

“At this rate, maybe a week and a half.” 

“See, Josh?” Tyler reaches a weak hand for Josh’s wrist. “We have loads of time left together.”

“Loads,” Josh repeats. He doesn’t recognize the sound of his voice.

“Is there anything I can do for you? Are you hungry?”

“No thank you, Mark.” Tyler is oddly cheery. Josh thinks about what he learned in his extensive therapy sessions all those years ago about the five stages of grief. The first was denial, which Tyler had displayed the morning he lost his finger. Anger was the second one; they had experienced that together as they sat yelling at each other with Mark in the room. Bargaining was next, followed by depression. Tyler had told him about all the things he regretted and all the things he had learned. Maybe his depression stage didn’t last very long, because he seemed pretty accepting of death at this point.

Josh was in the anger stage himself. Everything he did was fueled by his anger at the world, at God above, for fucking with his life.

“Do you guys think we could watch a movie?” Tyler continues talking, “We never got to watch Josh’s favorite movie.”

_ “Fight Club?” _ Mark confirms, shooting Josh a glance. “Of course we can watch it.”

“It’s not an eighties movie,” Josh mumbles.

“That’s okay,” Tyler replies back. “It doesn’t need to be. The eighties are overrated, anyways.”

Mark busies himself with putting the dvd in while Tyler squeezes Josh’s hand.

“It’ll be okay,” he tells him.

As they watch  _ Fight Club, _ Josh remembers that the main character’s name is Tyler and more anger consumes him. He excuses himself to use the bathroom and ends up crying over the toilet for ten minutes.

Josh doesn’t have the words to describe how angry he is. He’s mad at everything, especially himself. He should have done more, could have been there, could have stopped whatever was happening to the man he was in love with.

It really wasn’t fucking fair.

“You’re a real asshole, you know that?” Josh yells at the ceiling. “How come you get to fuck around with people’s lives? Who gave you that fucking  _ right?” _ Not surprisingly, there is no answer; from God, anyways. Mark knocks on the bathroom door and Josh quickly wipes away his tears before opening it.

“We can hear you,” he says, staring at the floor. Josh sniffs.

“Sorry. I’m coming back right now, just really had to piss.”

“Right,” Mark responds. “Sit next to Tyler, will you?”

“Course.”

-

Day five. Tyler says he thinks his eyeballs might fall out of his head. Josh excuses himself outside to screams at an empty sky.

-

Day six. Tyler is officially in the decay stage. This time, he loses his right pinkie, and Mark comes over to sew it back on. Now he has both his hands wrapped in thick gauze.

He’s starting to smell too, but Josh has gotten accustomed to it. He doesn’t care that he too smells like death.

They watch more movies because Tyler claims it’s a good distraction for him. He continues smiling, continues to pat Josh’s leg and tell Josh just how much he loves him. It’s really starting to piss Josh off, and finally, he snaps.

“Fucking  _ stop it!” _ He bellows, letting his tears pour from his face like Niagra Falls. “How you can sit here and just accept the fact that you’re dying?”

“I’ve come to terms, Josh.” Tyler’s voice is low and gruff. Mark said his vocal chords are probably starting to deteriorate and within the next few days, he won’t be able to speak. “I’m okay with dying, because I got my second chance.”

“You got two fucking months.”

“But I met you. I got to fall in love with you. I got to eat Taco Bell and watch movies and make love with you. That’s enough for me. I need it to be enough for you, too.”

Josh shakes his head. “It’s not that easy, Tyler.”

“I know. You just gotta pretend it is that easy.”

“I wanted you to meet my family. I wanted to take you on a nice vacation in Mexico and feed you tacos while we fucked.” When Tyler starts laughing, Josh realizes the absurdity of that statement and chuckles himself. It’s only for a few seconds, but it’s the first time he’s laughed since this whole thing started.

“We can do that in the future,” Tyler sounds so sure. “We’ll meet again.”

“I wanted to get you a phone and make me your lock screen.” Josh begins to pace the length of the living room, blocking Tyler’s view of the TV. “I wanted to buy you a keyboard so you could start playing again. I was even gonna bring my drums over from my parents place.”

“You can still do that. You can play for me.”

Josh chokes. He feels like he’s dying too. “I wanted to celebrate your birthday, in December. God, it’s fucking  _ November,  _ Tyler, we were so close--”

“We can still celebrate my birthday. I’ll be here with you,” Tyler gestures to his heart with the heel of his hand. “I’ll still be here with you.”

Silence. Josh’s stomach churns. He thinks he might puke.

“C’mere,” Tyler demands, waving him over with all the strength he has left. Josh drops back down onto the sofa and rubs his head against Tyler’s shoulder. Tyler kisses his bald head. His lips feel paper thin. “Tell me more about fucking me.”

“I’d kiss your cock,” Josh mumbles. “Lick away the precum, wet your dick, swallow it whole, bury my entire face in that mountain of pubic hair you have.”

Tyler smiles. “Yeah?”

“I’d kiss your thighs, too. And your balls. All the way down to your ass, where I’d press my tongue to your asshole and make you feel good.”

“You always make me feel good,” Tyler says. “You always have.”

“I’d kiss every part of your body.”

“You still can.”

Josh sits up and looks over Tyler’s weak form in the hazy glow of the television. Carefully, he kisses Tyler’s ear, Tyler’s cheekbones, Tyler’s nose and chin. He moves down Tyler’s neck with caution, over to his collarbone, and lifts up his shirt to kiss both of Tyler’s nipples and his belly button. Tyler hums his satisfaction as Josh slides his pajama bottoms of to kiss his splotchy purple thighs, his bony knees, all the way down to the tops of his feet.

“I hope this doesn’t count as necrophila,” Tyler jokes. Josh looks him up and down before taking a thoughtful, deep breath.

“It’ll be okay,” he finally says. Tyler cocks an eyebrow.

“Do you believe that?”

“I do,” Josh replies.

And he does.

He really does.

-

They fall asleep on the sofa in each other’s arms. The sun shining in through the sliding glass doors is what wakes Josh up. He rubs his eyes and looks at Tyler in front of him with sad eyes. Until he realizes that Tyler is no longer the same, pale corpse he was yesterday.

With his heart thumping against his ribcage, Josh places his hand over Tyler’s chest and about passes out when he feels his heartbeat.

Tyler was okay.

Tyler was going to  _ live. _

Josh shakes Tyler awake as more tears begin to paint his cheeks. Tyler coughs a couple times, blinking rapidly, as he tries to figure out what is going on.

“Josh, what’s wrong?”

“Your heart is beating,” Josh has to stop himself from screaming it into Tyler’s face, “Your fucking  _ heart is beating, _ Tyler.”

Tyler presses his hand against his chest, his head tilted, before moving the same hand to his neck and wrist. Sure enough, he feels the drumming of the pulse under his skin and scoffs. “Oh my God. Oh my God!” 

Josh pulls him into a tight hug and lets out a gasp he’s been holding since he realized Tyler was no longer a member of the walking dead. He kisses him hard, his hands like talons around Tyler’s hips. Tyler was his. Everything Josh wanted to do with him, he’d get to do.

“Wait,” Tyler pulls away and gestures to his wrapped up hands. “I might still be missing body parts.”

“Should we call Mark?”

Tyler nods. “Probably a good idea. Do you think you could make some coffee? I’m starving.”

“Tyler, I will make you an entire goddamn feast.”

Tyler only blushes.

-

Mark is over within the next ten minutes and barges in just as Josh has put bacon in the oven. This is the first time Mark has shed tears of his own over Tyler’s situation as he spots the younger man, void of any bruises or rotting flesh, and pulls him into a tight hug.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” he whispers. Tyler smiles as they pull away and shoves his bandaged hands Mark’s way.

“What’s the verdict, doc?” As it turns out, Tyler’s hands are completely fine. Mark cuts the stitches and claims he’s good as new. He tell him his toenails should grow back, too. (He had managed to lose a few more after that first one Josh bandaged up.)

Mark joins them for breakfast. As they silently sip their coffees and scrape their forks against their plates, Josh realizes how thankful he is to be alive. Maybe Tyler had been right, that this whole thing had been a test. Afterall, Josh had come to terms with Tyler’s unavoidable death after a raging war with himself and with God. Maybe he was supposed to put his faith in the cosmos. Maybe that’s why Tyler was dying-- because Josh was screaming at God for fucking up his life.

To be honest, Josh didn’t know if God was real. What he did know was that the universe could interfere, and he needed to be willing to trust what the universe had in store for him was right, even if he didn’t think so.

Mark spends the whole day with them watching movies. He even orders pizzas, the greasiest ones possible, and they laugh over Coke cans and beers. Tyler’s smiles are just as big as the ones he gave while on his deathbed. Josh thought maybe Tyler had been faking it, but maybe Tyler really had been content with where he was leaving.

Josh asks him that later in the evening after Mark had left. They sit in their boxers on Josh’s bed, Tyler playing with the pillows as Josh scratches his back. He feels so relieved when his pink scratches fade away from Tyler’s dark skin.

“You really were okay with dying, weren’t you?”

“I was. I was thankful for those two months, as short as they were. I was thankful for you and for my second chance at life. Not many people get a second chance. And at first, I was so angry. I knew it wasn’t fair. But then I started thinking about how I actually got to live again, got to acknowledge my regrets and mistakes, and suddenly, it was fair. Because I got the chance to live again, to live the life I could have lived in the first place. The thing is, Josh, I know there’s this darkness inside of me, this selfishness. At first, I thought I  _ deserved  _ to live again, but that’s not true. Life is precious. No one deserves anything, but the universe is kind enough to give it to us. And that’s when I realized what I had to do.”

“Just because you succumbed to vile thoughts the first time doesn’t make you a bad person,” Josh tells him. “We’re all struggling with and craving all kinds of things. Love, affection, self worth, health-- you name it.”

“I know. That was another thing I had to admit to myself. That we both had to admit to ourselves.” Josh’s face twists into confusion as Tyler rolls over and props himself up on his elbows. He smiles fondly.

“What do you mean?”

“We’re in this together, Josh. The universe only allowed me to continue living because you came to terms with my death too.” Josh picks at a hangnail, unsure of what to say. Luckily for him, Tyler continues. “We only have this one life to live. We just have to remind ourselves that the sun will rise and we will try again.”

“The universe sure seems infatuated with us,” Josh says dryly, causing Tyler to chuckle.

“I think that’s because we’re infatuated with it bringing us to each other.” He leans over, his hand grabbing hold of Josh’s jaw, and kisses him gingerly, passionately, something Josh had wanted to do since this morning. Their kiss is desperate, dire, and hungry, but also full of love that makes both their hearts swell. It’s so good to know they have each other, that they trust each other so much to leave fate up to the universe.

Maybe they are in good hands. 

Josh’s lips move to Tyler’s Adam’s Apple, whose eyelids flutter. “What are you doing?” He asks through a heated gasp.

“What I should have done a week ago,” Josh kisses the dip between his collarbones, kisses Tyler’s nipples, trails his chapped lips to Tyler’s belly button. He notes Tyler’s erection and curves his fingers underneath the waistband. “May I?”

“Such the gentleman. You may.” Tyler giggles as Josh slides his boxers off of him and lets his dick flop gently against his stomach. Josh wastes no time kissing the head of Tyler’s cock, kissing down the shaft and over to his balls. His kisses move down the inside of Tyler’s thighs, to his knees, where he pats Tyler’s leg and gestures for him to flip over. Tyler complies, resting his weight on his forearms as Josh spreads his cheeks and sticks his tongue in between.

“God. Oh, God. Josh--  _ fuck.” _

Tyler’s words encourage him to keep going. Josh flattens his tongue as he licks over Tyler’s entrance and finds his heart beating a mile a minute as Tyler moans underneath him.

“Touch me,” he begs, raising his ass into the air. Josh runs his hand down Tyler’s cock a couple times before pausing to get out the lube. Tyler continues to gasp as Josh strokes him and continues eating him out. Josh always has been told he’s got a way with his tongue, and it makes him feel warm inside to hear Tyler’s praise.

“I want you to meet my family tomorrow,” Josh whispers into his ear as he thrusts in and out of Tyler’s ass. Tyler nods his head and bites his lip as Josh’s slick hand returns to its respective place on his cock.

“I would love to,” Tyler sputters out.

“I wanna take you to Mexico.”

“Feed me tacos,” Tyler pants.

Josh nods his head, fully aware Tyler can’t see him, but he’s so overwhelmed with emotions that he can’t find the words to say. He can feel it in his body that he’s going to come soon, and part of him thinks that’s simply because he’s so in love with the boy underneath him.

He really thought Tyler was going to die. He really thought he was going to lose him.

Josh had learned that life was precious, too, with Tyler next to him. Someone up there decided Tyler deserved a second chance at life, and that Josh deserved a second chance at companionship.

“I love you,” Josh says through his short breaths five minutes later after they’ve both hit their climax. Tyler is still covered in come but has made no attempt to clean up. He rolls over, straddling Josh, his thighs iron clamps.

“I love you too.”

They kiss again, and Josh realizes everything is going to work out just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> find me at pastelxmess on tumblr; my door is always open.


End file.
